Monday, May 24, 2004

What happens when you give goths $20 million dollars

They get together and make the awful Van Helsing. It's the worst film I've seen in the cinema since Superman IV, the first film I can ever remember not enjoying, aged 10. I amused myself for the duration by imagining the conversations that might have led to the film.

Allow me to stress that neither person a, nor person b are meant to be goths! Many apologies for any offense caused...

Person a: Hey, let's make a movie. And just for fun, let's make sure we avoid any original thought whatsoever.

Person b: Wow, that sounds fantastic. Well, let's have dracula in it.

Person a: Good, good, that's been done before. So's Frankenstein...

Person b: Brill, whack him in - and Werewolves?

Person a: Sold. So, for our hero, how about someone from an old book.

Person b: That's nice - very unoriginal, and, tell you what, let's make him make faintly unfunny wisecracks at opportune moments.

Person a: Person b, you're an un-genius!

Person b: Thanks person a. I think he should have a couple of sidekicks.

Person a: One of them geeky, one of them a woman?

Person b: Yes! Hey, why don't we make our hero get bitten by a werewolf and turn into one!

Person a: Hmm, good idea, a feral, wolven hero. That's been done, who played that character...let me think.

Person b: Hugh Jackman?

Person a: Yes! Get his agent on the phone.

Person b: Ok, so - design values?

Person a: Well, gothic, obviously with all these monsters knocking about. And that means we can use Neo's coat for our hero...

Person b: Nice one. So, what about when there aren't any monsters then, how are we going to make sure it stays nice and gothy...

Person a: Masquerade ball?

Person b: Fab! Let's have a woman doing some melancholy classical singing. She can wear a black velvet dress.

Person a: All the women can wear velvet dresses!

Person b: Right. Where's me chequebook...?